By Jilawatan

I was reluctant to take up films because I could not think of giving up my studies. I was doing my architecture course when Mani Ratnam approached me for Bombay, Dharmesh Darshan for Raja Hindustani and Subhash Ghai for Shikhar. I met Shekhar Kapur, who was doing Bandit Queen then and he had told me “Go get your degree but you are coming right here. I have done my CA but I am making movies now!” Yash Chopra used to tease me that I can design my sets when I come back from the pageant but he will make me an actor some day.
Everybody believed I would be here. I did not because nobody in my family or far off family is remotely connected to films.
I took up the Miss World pageant for a lark. I would see girls crying backstage when they were not selected or did not win anything. They were biased about me. They even held a morcha against me because everyone working for the pageant knew me well as a model. I did not know how to handle all this. I felt like an outcast because the participants would ignore me. I had not done anything that I had to be embarrassed about. I was a normal 18-year-old.
Once I won the title, I started thinking on a serious note. I never wanted to be perceived as a pretty thing. I wanted to be someone with more meaning. For me it was not about being on covers of magazines and getting adulation and a fan base. I wasn’t excited over dressing up. I wanted to break the convention that a pretty face can’t act. I was here for the craft as well and have the credibility of an actor.
I didn’t have a conventional launch. I took up Mani Ratnam’s offer for the Tamil film Iruvar not because I was not getting breaks but I wanted to break the myth. I got to play two different roles and the film was not all about me but I still chose to do it. Every director who met me after that told me on the first day that “We don’t want to do something that is Aishwarya Rai” and I would say “What does it mean to be Aishwarya Rai on screen?”
I am not new to criticism. It started with the girls at the pageant, then this preconception that a pretty face cannot emote and when I slowly dispelled all these notions, there was Cannes. Nothing prepared me ever for that kind of backlash. I went to Cannes for the first time as part of the Devdas team. And I was criticised for my choice of clothing at the festival and this continued for years on end. Initially it hurt me. Today I would be lying if I say it does not affect me at all. I am very sensitive like all creative actors are and so it hurts that someone out there is waiting for you to fall.
People who criticize me do not realise that I am not going into my wardrobe and pulling out my dresses. I do not have time to look into my cupboard because I am just running about my work. Professionals who are extremely well-known are dressing me up.
My family has stood by me through all this. They’ve helped me ignore the criticism and keep my focus on my work. My family has always stood by me and asked me to ignore it.
Negativity does hurt you but it hurts me lesser today. I have so much work to do and you work your best so that you are appreciated. We are entertainers and that is what we are here for. I have managed to grow stronger emotionally and truly recognise that there is a lot more positivity, which is much more relevant.
As told to Shama Bhagat